People-pleasing is one of the most common patterns driving anxiety, burnout, and imposter feelings. This blog explains why high achievers struggle to say “no,” how over-accommodation keeps them stuck, and how therapy helps build healthier boundaries.

Introduction

If you’re someone who quietly takes on more than you can handle, avoids disappointing others, softens your opinions, or feels guilty saying “no,” you’re in good company.
People-pleasing or over-accommodation, is one of the most common patterns I see in therapy with high-achieving professionals.

People pleasing doesn't come from weakness, from lack of confidence, or from being “too nice.”

People-pleasing almost always comes from fear:

fear of being judged
fear of letting others down
fear of disappointing someone
fear of conflict or tension
fear of being seen as difficult
fear of confirming those “not good enough” beliefs
fear of relationships changing if you say no

For high performers, this often plays out at work in very subtle, but very costly ways.

Before we dig deeper, here’s what it looks like in real life.

Client Example: The Manager Who Couldn’t Say “No”

Meet Laura - a composite of many clients I’ve worked with.

Laura managed a busy team and was well respected, capable, and known as the person who “always gets things done.” However, on the inside, she was exhausted.

Her days were filled with:

saying yes to extra work even when overloaded
fixing problems for her team to avoid disappointing them
offering to “quickly help” (which turned into hours)
softening feedback to avoid upsetting people
taking responsibility for others’ emotions
agreeing to unrealistic deadlines
taking on tasks outside her role
sending long, reassuring messages so no one felt let down

She wasn’t doing this because she enjoyed the pressure, but rather because the alternative of saying no, pushing back, creating friction, felt unsafe.

She put it simply:

“If I say no, I feel like I’m letting everyone down, and they might see I’m not as capable as they think.”

This is the emotional engine of people-pleasing.

What People-Pleasing Really Is (And What It Isn’t)

People-pleasing isn’t about being kind, about generosity or about teamwork.

It’s a safety behaviour.

A way of:

avoiding conflict
preventing disapproval
protecting relationships
reducing anxiety
managing shame
hiding vulnerability
controlling how others see you

People-pleasing is an attempt to feel safe by keeping other people happy.

But the relief is temporary, and the cost is high.

What People-Pleasing Looks Like in Daily Life

In the workplace:

saying yes when you’re already overloaded
taking on tasks outside your job role
fixing everyone else’s problems
stepping in before giving others the chance
writing long emails to soften your message
over-explaining or over-apologising
avoiding difficult conversations
making exceptions you don’t want to make
protecting others from discomfort
reducing your standards to avoid conflict
holding back feedback to “keep the peace”

In personal life:

always being the one who adapts
avoiding telling people how you really feel
cancelling your plans to accommodate others
feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions
guilt whenever you prioritise yourself
struggling with decisions in case someone disapproves

Emotionally:

guilt
worry
tension
resentment
fear of being judged
fear of upsetting people
difficulty relaxing
shame when you say no
self-criticism after disappointing someone

Why High Achievers Are so Prone to People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is especially common among high performers because:

They’re often praised for being reliable and helpful from early on.
They build identity around competence and being “the one who handles things.”
They fear negative judgement more intensely.
Their roles often involve leadership, visibility, and responsibility.
Imposter feelings make them overcompensate to stay safe.
Saying no feels like risking exposure.
Conflict feels threatening to self-worth.

People-pleasing isn’t a “nice person problem.”
It’s an anxiety management strategy.

The Short-Term Relief / Long-Term Cost Loop

Short-term relief:

✓ People stay happy
✓ No conflict
✓ No guilt
✓ Anxiety reduces
✓ You feel useful and valued

Long-term cost:

✗ burnout
✗ resentment
✗ emotional exhaustion
✗ feeling invisible
✗ “I give so much but get so little back”
✗ no time for yourself
✗ taking on more than you can handle
✗ reinforcing the belief that your worth = your usefulness
✗ fear of boundaries
✗ stronger imposter feelings

People-pleasing is a short-term emotional fix that creates long-term emotional pain.

How People-Pleasing Maintains Imposter Syndrome

Imposter feelings grow in environments where:

you avoid conflict
you avoid saying no
you avoid asking for help
you avoid showing limits
you take on too much
you try to be everything to everyone
you soften yourself to keep others comfortable

Because the message becomes:

“If I stop pleasing people… I’ll be exposed.”

So the cycle continues.

Why It’s So Hard to Say “No”

Because saying no activates:

fear of rejection
fear of judgement
fear of upsetting someone
fear of conflict
guilt
shame
the belief “I’m responsible for everyone’s feelings”
the belief “I don’t want to look selfish or difficult”

Your nervous system treats “no” as a threat.
So people-pleasing becomes an automatic survival strategy.

The Deeper Psychology Behind People-Pleasing (ACT, CFT, CBT)

ACT: Fusion + Avoidance

People-pleasing happens when we fuse with stories like:

“I can’t let anyone down.”
“Saying no makes me difficult.”
“If they’re upset, it’s my fault.”

We then avoid the discomfort of guilt, shame, anxiety, or conflict by pleasing others.

CFT: Threat + Attachment

People-pleasing often comes from:

early experiences of needing to be easy, helpful, or well behaved to feel safe
fear of rejection or abandonment
shame-based beliefs about (not) being enough
high threat activation around conflict
overdeveloped drive, underdeveloped soothing system

Compassionate work helps you feel safe being yourself, not just being useful.

CBT: Core Beliefs + Rules

Common rules include:

“I must always be helpful.”
“I shouldn’t upset anyone.”
“If someone is unhappy, I’ve done something wrong.”
“My needs matter less than others’.”
“Conflict is dangerous.”

People-pleasing keeps these beliefs unchallenged.

How Therapy Helps Break the People-Pleasing Cycle

1. Awareness

Noticing:

when you say yes automatically
who you over-accommodate
what emotions you’re avoiding
patterns you learned earlier in life
the cost to your wellbeing

Awareness creates space for choice.

2. Making Sense (Compassionately)

Understanding people-pleasing reduces shame:

“I learned this to stay safe.”
“Of course I avoid conflict, it feels threatening.”
“This isn’t my fault, but it is something I can change.”

Compassion makes change possible.

3. Skills & Boundaries

Learning:

grounding when guilt shows up
defusion when perfectionistic or self-critical thoughts appear
using self-compassion
practising assertiveness
expressing needs clearly
tolerating conflict
noticing emotions without fixing them
giving shorter, clearer responses

Boundaries become values-led rather than fear-led.

4. Values-Led Action

This means:

saying no when needed
protecting time for priorities
communicating honestly
choosing long-term wellbeing over short-term comfort
leading instead of rescuing
allowing people to manage their own emotions

Values guide behaviour more than fear.

What Change Looks Like (Composite Outcome)

Clients often report:

more confidence
reduced guilt
clearer boundaries
better leadership
less resentment
more honest communication
improved relationships
more energy
rediscovering their own needs
less pressure to be “the nice one”
reduced imposter feelings

They don’t become harsh, cold, or selfish.
They simply become more whole.

FAQs

Why do I people-please even when I don’t want to?

Because it temporarily reduces anxiety, guilt, and fear of conflict.

Is people-pleasing linked to imposter syndrome?

Yes. High achievers often over-accommodate to avoid being judged or “found out.”

How do I stop feeling guilty when I say no?

By learning to tolerate guilt rather than obey it. Guilt is a feeling, not a directive.

Does people-pleasing mean I’m weak?

No. It usually means you learned early that pleasing others = safety.

How can therapy help?

Therapy helps you understand the pattern, regulate emotions, build boundaries, and act from values, not fear.

Conclusion: People-Pleasing Isn’t Kindness - It’s Fear in Disguise

People-pleasing is often mistaken for kindness, generosity, or flexibility, but usually it's about fear - the fear of judgement, conflict, rejection, guilt, or disappointing someone.

Once you understand what the pattern is protecting you from, you can start building a life that’s less about being liked… and more about being yourself.

If this resonates, therapy can help you break the cycle and develop confidence built on authenticity rather than approval.